Today was the start of "Simbang Gabi" or Misa de Gallo. I was excited  i didn't sleep the whole night so I can attend the 4 am Mass. I surfed the net while waiting for dawn. By 330 am,  I was not sleepy but I felt tired. I almost gave up the challenge and would opt for the comfort of my bed.  But as I stood up I went the other way... the kitchen i mean  and made myself a cup of hot coffe with hazelnut.  Mmmmm... soothing and energizing. When I arrived at the church, I was 30 minutes early the mass was gonna start at 430am and not 4am. Though early, the church pews were already half filled. I realized it wasn't just me who was so excited for the 9 mornings.
While the mass was going on I realized one of the readers who was a seminarian was the younger brother of my friend. Then I remembered how my friend got so furious when her brother told her that he was giving up on getting a professional license and would enter priesthood. She was so devastated. She has her reason for feeling that way, and I understood. But I also understood that her brother was just answering a rare calling from God. Few are chosen, few are given the privilege to enter the Holy Order. If she was devastated because she felt he has thrown away so much investment and a promising career(practicality), I believe her brother has undergone a much worst state. It is not easy to choose, especially when you have to give up something of almost equal importance. And there will always be someone who will not agree on what you will choose. They may despise you for doing so, but in their hearts they also mean well, that they think of what is only best for you. Soon they will realize and understand that there is no mistakes, but that there's just a sudden twist and turns in anyones life. And that though we plan things, God always intervenes but that is because he knows a better course. He always gives what is best for us, for as long as we ask. We all reach crossroads in many stages of our lives. There are choices made and we have to be responsible for it. You can't keep on going back and redo things... but you keep on going...accept it and live it well. If my friend was there in that mass,I believe she would be happy and proud of him.
During the offertory I noticed another Seminarian, he was one of my childhood playmates. A few years younger than me, but he lived one house away so he was frequently visiting our house then. I was surprised to see him there. I thought he was in another city, taking up the license review for engineers. I even thought he was already an engineer. And how he have grown. He was so skinny then and very talkative, but even then  he was already a devotee and active in church. He is intelligent and talented. But I never really thought he would enter priesthood. I believe his family is very proud of him. And so am I, and happy that my friend has accepted a special gift from God. To serve his brethren, and my prayers include him that he may fulfill his vow with the Lord.
The first day of the 9 mornings, what did the Lord showed me? Those two seminarians. He has enlighten me through them. A life of choices and responsibility. And still those 3 great things... LOVE, FAITH & HOPE.
I wish to complete the 9 mornings, it is a challenge. It will be my first, and I will make it. I believe.  And I know a great gift waits for me ahead. Prayers are always answered. BELIEVE...FAITH is a powerful.

After going home from the dawn mass. I went back to sleep by 6am. And woke up at almost 2pm. I ate "bulad" for lunch. "Lami kaayo!" Then after an hour I watched the movie "The Terminal" on vcd. Tom Hanks is always my favorite. And he made me cry again. Indeed as what I've said before, Life is a big waiting room. We all wait for something. That scene when he went out of the airport and the wind and snow were touching his face. That was sweet freedom. I cried on that scene. I long for that to happen to me. Not just the wind and snow blowing on ones face... but to finally have what you waited for. It will be the best Christmas gift.

Why is it that sometimes when you want something you are deprived of it. And those who doesn't want to take hold of it are given it.

They said that it is God's will. But how about that gift of free will to man?

Why is it that sometimes when you pray harder it seems God doesn't answer?

They said that it is God's will..in his own time. But how about that verse in the bible "Ask and you shall receive,knock and the door shall be open. .."

Why is it that when you do nothing at all and forget about what you want that's the time when they fallout from heaven?

They said God Rules theUniverse…he controls all things.

Isn't it that the ruler just don't rule but serves as well? And shouldn't we be treated as human(God's likeness) and not as puppets.

Why would God create a world full of suffering and pain,chaos and destruction.

They said that's what makes life…part of it.

Why would God turn paradise into something where everyone gets to be confused & miserable about life…just because one man eat the damned apple.

I could go on with all those queries in my head…but despite that I still believe GOD is my saviour.

I might just have a long journey ahead of me as I would learn in every precious day what answers life would give me in these long list of queries.

Sometimes it is in our questions that we find the answers.

Why is it that when you want to forget something or someone they seem to frequently appear in your dreams. When you want to move on just then something seems to pull you back. Like tugging your heart, wanting you to stay…wanting to be remembered. Is dreaming good or bad? "Don't fall in love with a dreamer" so the song goes, and someone told me once it's unfortunate that my hubby married one. I didn't know if it should hurt me or not. But it did, and coming from a person who taught me to have faith in myself & in my dreams, it was really dissapointing. He made me realized though that I was such a fool to believe him from the start. I thought it would be a good thing that we continue being friends. I know it is, but it takes two to tango. Friendships work because you both want it. It seemed it was only me who wanted it going. I'm thankful that in my journey through life I once crossed road with him and took that short walk with him around the corner. If I would live my life over again I would still take that road because somehow it lead me to something that's real. But right now I would do anything to leave everything that's not worth taking with me. I wish it's just like pushing the button "DELETE" and its gone. I wish it was that easy. I don't know how to turn-off something that I never turned-on. You know, things that just happens to you thru fate. Well, I still believe that I'll wake up one day and my dreams will bother me no more but will allow me to really live. Not in the past..but right now.

Just the other night I had a weird dream.

WEIRD  because I dreamt of somebody I haven't seen in a long time and somebody who has been ignoring me time and again.

WEIRD because in my dream he wanted my company.

WEIRD because he was reviewiing for the BAR exam and he was not even a law student for real. In my dream he was really so down because he said he was so pressured with the BAR exam. He was even crying like the way Jericho Rosales cried when he lost Ara in "Sana'y wala ng Wakas."  Whiich was another WEIRD thing because I know this person to have such a strong faith & self-confidence in real life. In my dream I was married of course, so I kept a certain  reservation but try to console and sympathize with my old friend. We hangout with each other went to bars and enjoyed just to keep out his worries.

Then came came another WEIRD thing, my cousin & her friend came in the picture. I of course introduced them once again. why AGAIN? Because my cousin and her friend was the reason why I met this man. That's why it was WEIRD.

Then he told them we have to leave because we need to go to church. To pray of course. He said we have to go to Antipolo. ANd I have no idea why of all Churches it have tobe Antipolo. Really WEIRD.

I have no memory what happened after that I woke up I guess. When I woke up though, I could still remember that dream. I was asking myself, what was that all about. Why would I ever dream of him after such a long time. I was even having a deep intimate conversation with my hubby the night before. Why then would he get into the picture.  I tried to forget about it. I did for awhile. But last night again, while I was lying in bed about to doze off  I thought of the dream again. Then I remebered my husband telling me earlier that there are wonderful fireworks outside because they are celebrating the 4th of July.

July 4th, it seemed to be such a familiar date as well for me. Then i realized  that 8 years ago on a sunny July 4 afternoon my cousin and her friend introduced me to the man in my dreams. Coincedence? I don't even want to find out. I wish the man happiness like I have already found mine with my hubby.

I tend to be the most emotional person that I know exist. Small gestures move me, simple words can touch my heart, corny jokes can make me laugh, and even watching "Wish Ko Lang" or "Simpleng Hiling" can make me cry rivers. So don't make me watch  those shows, you'll freak out.   I don't know why I am such a cry baby. Probably when I was in my mom's womb she was in a very emotional state. I have difficulty holding back my tears when I have to speak out on something that comes from deep with in. Maybe because I hardly speak of my feelings or show them that when I expres them it becomes to overwhelming for me. It's like baring out my nakedness, my vulnerability. I don't cry with people around I have to show to them that I am strong and I can handle what I feel. It is in my solitude that tears become my only consolation. And indeed tears was my pathetic company the past few days. I can't explain why, it was just how I felt. Very difficult to explain, unless you have been in my shoes. It was just the way things are at that very moment. No question to that, just the way things are. Have I accepted it? I know in time I will, but I won't be a hypocrite that  until this  moment I still am trying to understand why one has to be constantly placed in a wearisome condition. Why a lot of sacrifices have to be made to make one happy. Why the things that we have longed for is often given to us overdue even if it already caused us a lot of pain to achieve it. And yet it still seems to be too far to get hold of. I know I have no right to question what life has given me, because I know in some ways it was my choice that I have arrived in that state. Why are there no good choices? Maybe that's just how life is. Do I care? Maybe. 

What makes one person happy? things? people? present? past? future? temporary stuff? or those that linger on and on? Some said happines just happens, some said you have to find it or earn it. I say happiness is a choice. Happiness is what you make out of your life. Happiness is not a responsibility of somebody else but yours. It comes in different  packages but they all came from one source...out of Love.

My husband is my happiness it is with him that life becomes heaven here on earth. Where dreams come true and love just grows and our lives together molded to perfection.  I do find happiness too in little things and those that just linger for awhile, but all this i found in one major package that holds every happiness I need. The Love that my husband gave me. Indeed I am so blessed and lucky to love and be loved in return.

I slept at 6am earlier and woke up at 10 am. Barely even slept then. My eyes can't seem to stop from extracting liquid. Ok, I'm no juice but it seemed like I'm being squeezed so hard lately. There really are days when you just cry for no reason. But then again I take that back,there is always a reason when one cries, either happy or sad. So what am I crying for? It's something very important in my life, that's not in sight for now. I cry of sadness, my heart just felt too heavy I had to cry it out. So heavy that it makes it difficult for me to breath. I guess that's what the movie of Rufa Mae Quinto was about, "Masikip sa dibdib."  I never cried like a child like i did last night, not since I was 8 when my sisters were still bullying me, that would be ages ago. But crying does make one feel a little bit better, you'll lossen up (but never losing it). I guess that's one of the great things women have, the power of tears. But never over do it, meaning you don't have to do it all day it can kill you. Well not exactly but you may waste some better time while you are crying to death. Just enough to let out the heavy stuff, you need to exhale too. In months to come I don't know how many of those days the grouchy dark clouds will hover my head, but I do know they don't stay too long. Because I choose the sun to shine on me.

I came in late, the Psalm was almost over still i walk in slowly and took my sit somewhere in the middle. I always find peace inside the house of God,you can always feel God comforting you. So solemn yet comforting. Then when the acclamation was sang, out of the blue Celine Dion was singing behind my back, or so i thought. The bad thing was she was singing at the top of her lungs that it seemed like her voice was louder than the choir. I mean, i have no complains for her voice they sound really good, but they were so annoying it made me sin again. I was thinking, if this lady is trying to show off her voice why can't she just join a singing contest and belt it out there. I can hear her companion advising her not to sing so loudly but she was tough the more she sang until her voice was on top of everyone else. Then I realized, nothing is wrong with the lady. What's wrong with singing on the top of your lungs if you have a good voice? Who knows, she must be desperate or miserable that she just let it all out by singing those praises to God. Or if not, she just loves the Lord so much she gives all she's got that the Lord has given her with such beautiful talent. Maybe all that was for the Lord. Thanking Him, Praising Him. Nothing was wrong with her, it was me who was just too quick to judge. I still am just a seed still trying to figure out where the perfect soil is to grow. Well, most of us are just seeds for the first half of our lives. I wonder if I have reached my mid-life, i look forward to doing much in my life. Something significant, touching other people's lives in my own simple way. By then, I wouldn't just be a seed but a wheat that feeds and gives life. Like that lady in the church who sang on the top of her lungs, I too can spread the word of Love and Life.